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The Howe To Blog

Parenting Advice from the Unqualified

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birds and bees

Howe To…Attempt the Birds and Bees Talk

I’m happy to say it wasn’t our dog that unknowingly initiated the birds and bees talk with Hailey this time; it was the preschool reading program. Every Thursday, Hailey’s preschool sends home four new books with each child to read with his or her parents. Hailey loves this program, and when we get home from school on Thursdays, she eagerly tears open the book bag and we read all four books immediately. Now, the school flyer in the book bag advises parents to go through the books before reading them to the kids, but I never have been one for reading instructions. So, on this particular Thursday, we dive into the books, and pick up one titled, The Last Puppy. Sounds lovely. (Sidenote: I just realized all of Hailey’s birds and bees lessons do have some link to dogs, even if just tangentially. I’ll have to have a good think about this later.) We open the first page of The Last Puppy and are treated to a delightful illustration of a dog giving birth. Not once, but NINE times.

blog3.5.15“Why is there a puppy coming out of that dog’s butt?” Hailey asks. She doesn’t sound horrified or anything…in fact, she’s a little nonchalant about it if you ask me. So, on a quiet Thursday afternoon, this mommy has a 20-minute, “Why babies come out of mommies’ butts vajajays” talk with her 3 and a half year old.

Hailey has been around enough pregnant women that she asked me how babies get in mommies’ tummies well before she was 3. So we discussed families being ready to have a child, God putting a baby in a mommy’s tummy, and a baby growing in there until he or she is ready to be born. When she has asked how the baby comes out, I gave her a very tame explanation of my c-section, as she was not unfamiliar with the idea of operations, her dad having nearly severed his finger a year ago and her uncle having crushed his elbow in a biking accident around the same time. I figured these explanations were enough for her maturity level at the time, and the discussion about the biology of conception and childbirth could wait a while. She seemed to really understand the concept up to this point, and now, with another pregnant aunt, she has a good grasp of how the baby is growing, etc. Now that we’ve read The Last Puppy, however, I think she’s worried for what her Aunt Kiki faces in a few months.

When I finished my Last Puppy-inspired, toned down version of labor and childbirth, Hailey turned to me and said, “That sounds like it hurts.”

What to do? I wondered. Do I sugar coat this one for her?

Instead I took another tack.

“It does, honey. It hurts very much.”

Howe To…Give Your Dog a Bone

Sharing a home with two dogs (Bella and Chewie) has inspired many a teaching moment in the Howe house: We’ve learned about body language, being gentle with animals, how it’s not okay for human children to pee in the backyard, about the five senses and how animals use their intuition. On most days I’d say having dogs has been an asset when it comes to parenting, that is, until the day Chewie’s behavior led to a discussion for which I wasn’t quite prepared.

We’re putting Hailey to bed one night, and we’re all in her room — parents, child and dogs — the light is low, it’s quiet and everyone is sleepy. Apparently the ambiance puts Chewie in the mood for romance. At first we ignore the slurping and licking and chewing (yes, chewing) sounds coming from the hot pink throw rug in the middle of the room. We fix our eyes on the Pete the Cat book we’re reading Hailey…shoes. Pete loves his white shoes. But soon the sheer enthusiasm with which Chewie is romancing himself has gotten everyone’s attention, Parents, Hailey, Bella…hell, even Pete the Cat couldn’t focus on his jazzy white shoes anymore. Chewie starts rolling around on the floor…. Is that moaning we hear? “What’s he doing?” Hailey asks. And then Chewie, sensing he has an audience now, decides to display his crotch to the viewing public. Hailey screams. I scream. Josh exclaims, “What the hell??!!!” What we see is a dog penis so engorged, it is truly terrifying. And then the questions start:

“What is that?”

“Is that a bone?”

“Why is it pink?”

“Does it hurt him?”

“What’s he doing to it?”

“Why won’t it go away? I want it to go away.”

chewie
Perv.

“For the love of God, get him out of the room!” I say to Josh. Josh shoos him out, and the poor dog is so handicapped by his current state that he kind of hobble/rolls out of the room. Bella looks scared. I look at Hailey, hoping she might have a temporary glitch in her short term memory and forget all about what she just saw. “What was thaaaaaaat?!” she asks. So I launch into the most generic/non-frightening/hopefully-3-year-old-appropriate talk about dog boners I could muster. She listens. I don’t know if any of it computes. I keep checking in with her to see if she understands. She just nods. I think she might still be trying to erase the visual from her mind.

“OK,” I say when I’m finished. “Do you have any questions?”

“No,” she says. “Let’s do shadow puppets.” All right, I think. This went pretty well. I handled it. How awesome am I? Spontaneously having a boner discussion with my daughter and not scaring the crap out of her. Mother. Of. The. Year. So I switch off the lamp, turn on her nightlight and lie down next to her.

“What shadow puppets are we going to make tonight?” I ask.

“Let’s make Chewie’s bone!” she says, arching her index finger and wiggling it toward the wall.

Lord help me if they ever do shadow puppets in her preschool class.

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