Our 5-year-old has an uncanny knack for summarizing and reviewing movies in just a few short sentences — no doubt this skill will have no real-world, practical application whatsoever, but we’re damn proud anyway. And it’s funny, and my child is my main source of amusement. So I thought I’d share a few of her recent movie reviews with you, in case you’re on the fence about seeing any of these delightful children’s films. After reading them, I’m sure you’ll agree that A) my child is the next Roger Ebert; B) her understanding of movie plots is borderline genius; and C) these movies all sound horrible (or awesome, depending on how weird you are).
The Hobbit (the animated version, not the Peter Jackson film): “See this movie if you like tiny guys who look like humans but eat two breakfasts.”
Writer’s note: This film appeals to a very small segment of the movie going public.
Wreck it Ralph: “This movie is about a tiny bad guy who lost his insects.”
Writer’s note: I had some follow up questions about this review. Me: “But wasn’t Ralph big? You know, because he had to wreck all those buildings made of bricks with his fists?” Daughter: “Mom, he had to be tiny to fit in a video game….” Me: “Touché.”
Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3: Viva la Fiesta!: “There are these little chihuahuas that humans used to hear but now they are under a spell so they can’t hear the chihuahuas anymore. They have very strange accents.”
Writer’s note: My daughter is part Mexican and lives in Los Angeles. These chihuahuas’ accents are no different than the ones she hears nearly ever day, sometimes at family functions. Also, there was no witchcraft in this movie as far as I know.
The Boxtrolls: “I didn’t like Boxtrolls. They are weird looking kids in boxes.”
Writer’s note: Pretty much.
Cinderella: “A little girl dances all the time and always wanted to be a princess and her wish comes true.”
Writer’s note: This could be said of most Disney movie, methinks.
Frozen: “Anna is little. Elsa didn’t have powers, then she got powers. Olaf has powers but he can’t tell anybody.”
Writer’s note: Sure, why not?
Cars: “I really like Cars. But the thing is, I don’t like it so much. It’s about a human who turns into a car so he can throw gas at everybody. And the gas was poop.”
Writer’s note: I promise all movie goers there was no poop throwing in this film…. Or gas throwing, although that seems mild considering the poop throwing.
Toy Story: “The toys used to be alive but they turned smaller and into plastic and can fall asleep with their eyes open and pretend not to be toys because toys can’t talk.”
Writer’s note: She’s not wrong….
Star Wars: “Everybody is in outer space but the ground was lava so they couldn’t move and they could only go to restaurants in space. Then one day they heard, ‘Grrr, grrrr, grrrr, and a 300 eyeball monster came and they all melted in the lava.”
Writer’s note: I don’t know what movie she’s talking about here…it’s clearly not Star Wars…but it sounds ah-maz-ing.
Big Hero 6: “This is about super heroes and a big white marshmallow guy who does gymnastics.”
Writer’s note: Hehehehehe
The Secret Life of Pets: “City dogs do silly stuff when their owners go to work.”
Writer’s note: She nailed this one.
Zootopia: “Bunnies talk.”
Writer’s note: I am both impressed and a little scared by her pithiness.
Enjoy your movies! Stay tuned for more 5-Year-Old Movie Reviews!