Something strange was happening in our house this week. Nobody slept. Everyone was cranky. We cried for no particular reason. We yelled our conversations. Our bodies ached and creaked. We glared at each other from across the room. We were all tired, aggressive, sad and confused. At one point, the child collapsed into a heap of tears on our laundry room floor when I told her she couldn’t draw with a Sharpie pen. I asked her why she was crying. “I just don’t know!” she wailed. We just didn’t know. We had no idea what was going on this week. If I were one of those people who looked to astrology for the answers, I’d say that Jupiter was in retrograde. Yes, a planet had to be in retrograde to cause this inexplicable upset in our home. Or maybe it was El Niño’s fault. I’ll blame El Niño. Whatever the cause of this week’s chaos, it led to a few absolutely absurd conversations with my child. A few examples for your amusement:

My daughter was so sleep deprived this week, her listening skills all but disappeared. And, using some rather bad judgment, I decided to question her about her lack of listening skills in her sleep deprived state. It did not go well.

Me: “Why aren’t you listening to Mommy today?”

Child: “That’s just the way Jesus made me. He wanted me to be a bad listener, so he made me a bad listener.”

Me: “What?! That’s ridiculous. Where did you hear that? School?”*

Child: “I’m embarrassed that you don’t know very much about Jesus.”

*Whenever the child says something I don’t agree with I accuse her of learning it at school. I realize parenting experts would probably disapprove of this. I shall try not to do this anymore. Also, I’m sure her school didn’t tell her Jesus made her a bad listener, but I suspected she misinterpreted a story she heard at school about Jesus.

Today, the hubs was telling our daughter the story of how we first met, and he told her that I made him nervous on our first date.

Child: “Mommy, why did you scare Daddy?”

Me: “I don’t know. Maybe because Mommy was too smart or too funny.”

Child: “Or maybe because your red hair looked like bloooooood.” (says blood in scary vampire voice)

So, yeah, this week was madness, my kid was tired and cranky, but she was still able to out-smart-mouth me not once, but twice. Looking forward to those teen years.